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Intro: Welcome to the Jenna Brown Show. I am Jenna Brown, psychic business strategist, wealth Energetics mentor and subconscious healing expert. The guide for women who are scaling to 6, 7, 8 figures in their business and who are done playing small with their power, their money, and their visibility, who have a deep inner belief that they get to have it all.
This is a space where strategy meets the subconscious where money becomes clean and where you learn how to expand your field of influence without burning yourself out or betraying yourself. Contrary to popular opinion, we talk about wealth, leadership, identity energetics, and what it takes to actually hold the type of money, the type of business and reality that you are calling in.
Clients cash, impact, desire. We talk about it all here. If you're ready to move beyond the hustle, beyond the proving and into overflow, that feels grounded, embodied, and [00:01:00] sustainable. You, my friends, are in the right place. Let's begin.
Jenna Brown: Hi everyone. Welcome back to the Jenna Brown Show. I am so excited that we are here today with an incredible woman who has such a timely message. If you've listened to the past couple of episodes, a few back, I start to talk about my relationship in this shift that we're gonna talk about today with Andrea, but Andrea Clark is here.
With us. She is a marriage mentor for couples, , with women who are successful, high achieving, who happen to have passive and under, what did you say, underachieving husband Under functioning. I'm like, underachieving, that didn't feel right.
Andrea Clark: or under achieving? It could be. It could be that.
Jenna Brown: or that husbands, I personally have done one of, uh, your courses and I think you're incredible in the work that you do in the world, and I love your content.
I love everything that you say. So I had to have you on the podcast, so say hello. [00:02:00] Yeah, I did. Your passive I don't remember what it was called. It was one of the podcast programs. It was like a five day reset or something.
Andrea Clark: I didn't even know. You're so sneaky. I love
Jenna Brown: Oh yeah. Yeah.
Andrea Clark: Cool. Well, thank you. I'm so honored to be on here.
Jenna Brown: Yeah. Say hi.
Andrea Clark: Hello. Hello everybody. I'm ready to tear it up, let's do this thing.
Jenna Brown: Let's tear it up. Okay. Share with us. I mean, I, I know I gave a little intro, but tell us like who you're working with and what you do, because I love the way that you describe it because I think we all are like, Hmm. Got it. Know what you mean.
Andrea Clark: yeah, yeah. So, I'm actually trained as a marriage and family therapist. I practiced marriage therapy for 13 years and I was licensed for 15, and that's where I really started to recognize patterns. Of how dynamics play out in [00:03:00] family systems, but even just in a marital system, right? And so I look at the world as, it's like a big system.
Everything's a system. And if you get really good at recognizing patterns, you can actually heal your own ship pretty quickly. the biggest challenge is, most people can't recognize their own patterns. And what they do is they focus outward On the thing they think is the problem when they don't realize they have the power to shift it very quickly.
And so I have a huge heart for the high achieving female usually she's an eldest daughter, not always, but an eldest daughter, a leader. Right, a go-getter. She's a female founder or she works in some sort of leadership position in her nine to five, like that kind of gal. She is my woman. I'm obsessed with her because I am her and I.
Feel that there isn't a place in the world for us when it comes to the type of [00:04:00] support. There's lots of, yay, add a girl, crush that shit, but there's not a place for us to land where we can actually be vulnerable. Because forward facing, you can't be vulnerable if you're like a badass, right?
Yes, we can on our platforms and that kind of thing. But what I mean by that is it's really hard to say I have a marriage that I feel like is failing when you're somebody who crushes it everywhere else. there's a lot of shame that comes with that. It's like, why the fuck can't I figure out why my marriage is like this?
But I can make six figures or seven figures, or I can do a 50 K month or I'm asked to speak on stages, right? There's this weird cognitive dissonance that happens and it's this private little world that I think a lot of us live in, that We don't know who to talk to about it. And when you go to a traditional therapist and even a lot of coaches, there's a lot of bullshit of like. focusing on the [00:05:00] husband or very superficial things that don't work. They actually just perpetuate the same pattern that she's stuck in. And a lot of times she feels more resentful, more angry, and places even more blame on her partner leaving her in the same spot, but worse in a lot of ways. And I'm very passionate about that because, it's like we need to look deeper. We need to look at the deeper layers, and I just don't feel like there's a world that exists for women besides the world. I'm creating women like that, right? Where they don't have to feel ashamed, but they can be called forward and be made aware of what's going on and go, oh, well, damn, okay?
Because once we know how to solve a problem, we solve the fucking problem. That's the thing.
Jenna Brown: Yeah.
Andrea Clark: that's an issue.
Jenna Brown: the problem.
Andrea Clark: Right. We can't see the problem. And I just feel like a lot of the different, like movements out there, like trad wives or even super hyper modern feminists, like they're [00:06:00] actually doing this category of women a huge disservice because they're not actually identifying the problem and they're reinforcing a lot of the reasons why we don't try to go get support.
And we try to figure it all out by ourselves with podcasts and, you know, books and shit like that.
Jenna Brown: That's so true. And I'm gonna ask you to share a little bit about your story and how you got into this story. 'cause I know it's like your personal experience as well that you share online too, but. I feel like there is exactly what you're saying of like the high achieving women.
A lot of us are first born daughters. Hi, it's me. And there is like this element of everyone comes to us for help and support and like a lot of the women, I'm assuming quite a few of them probably are in like helping or supportive roles and then you're like, cool. And also there's this like whole part of my intimacy.
That has shifted. So before I ask you all the questions I wanna ask you, because I, I have all these thoughts in my head. I'm like, I wanna ask her [00:07:00] all the things, share with us, like your personal story of how this shifted for you.
Andrea Clark: Yeah, so my first marriage, uh, my ex-husband left me for another woman, and
Jenna Brown: Hmm.
Andrea Clark: was a softer woman, I actually did realize that pretty quickly, But I didn't put it all together, if that makes sense. In my anger and my resentment, it was more like, yeah, well she's, you know. A damsel and whatever, right?
But then as I've really done my own healing and I started to recognize my pattern, finally after banging my head against the wall forever um, I was like, oh shit. This is my pattern. This is my pattern. This is yeah, he's, he shouldn't have done that. But it's not, that's not the point. This is my pattern.
And I got remarried to this incredible man who the first two years of our relationship was so. Fucking delicious. And he was in his masculine and [00:08:00] he was the first male to ever make me feel safe enough where I functioned primarily in my feminine in our relationship dynamic and. I was very cognizant of that at the time, that was something I wanted to work on.
And then we had this incident, we had moved to a new city. I was rebuilding my private practice at the time and, you know, rebuilding my coaching business in a new city. Didn't have a lot of contacts. And he lost his job. And that just sent me back into this place of, I gotta figure it out. very like self-protective.
I was mad at him. It's not like he d it's not even I mean he, he wasn't being a slap ass, but he stood up to his boss at a time when he probably shouldn't have. It was during the pandemic, which I was proud of him for standing up to his boss, but I was like. Did you have to do that right now?
Like, It's not like you're gonna get another job [00:09:00] in two days. You know what I mean? And so there was this part of me like pissed off at him too, and feeling oh my God, you don't have our back. What the hell? You just created this situation. And, and so I went into this place of like, all right, I'll take care of it.
I've got it, I'll handle it. I'll, you know, double my income all, you know, all this stuff. And he felt immense shame. And he felt horrible. And this dynamic pretty quickly shifted to me, like in my masculine all the time. And I, you know, I felt like there was this broken trust and I kind of wouldn't let it go and all this stuff.
And he felt so shitty about himself that even once he got another job, that is an incredible job. We didn't shift back. And we woke up one day and years and years later and we're both miserable. And I'm like, I want a divorce. I'm sick of this shit. And I thought it was all his problem, right? Like he's [00:10:00] just, I don't know what happened to him.
He's just passive. He is a slap ass. He's this, he's that. Like all he disrespectful thoughts and feelings towards him and he put his foot down and he is like, look, I hear you like I've put you through a lot. but can we at least just get a separation and see how that goes? So I said yes, even though I didn't want to, but there was something in me like intuitively that was like, all right, just agree to this.
And we were separated for not very long, like three weeks. And in those three weeks I had the space. To realize wow, you contributed to this shit a lot, girl. Like, Yes, he has his shit. yes, there's some passivity. Yes, there's some under-functioning that there's no denying that, but. it gave me the space to see where he tried to lead.
He tried to like even stand up to me when I wanted to do certain things, and he didn't agree. But I just, at that point there was this guardedness that I just bulldozed him. I bulldozed him and he [00:11:00] is a more peaceful person than I am. Like I'm voracious. You know what I mean? and this is the other thing I wanna say about that is like a side tangent.
A lot of strong women are like, that's bullshit. Like, He should just be able to stand up to me or step. Then you're asking for a hyper, hyper masculine man, and that's bordering on aggression. You don't want aggression, and so you have to understand that when it comes to the way our bodies and, and like neuro perceptively, we mirror each other.
Jenna Brown: Hmm.
Andrea Clark: Somebody's gonna lean back. If somebody else is pushing forward all the time, somebody has to lean back. And if you are the one and you will not ever back down, right, whether it's unconscious or very conscious, then eventually your partner will move into a more passive role because it's just not, worth it.
Right.
Jenna Brown: Yeah,
Andrea Clark: Or sometimes there's two very you [00:12:00] know, strong partners that are like this all the time. And then that's a whole different set of dynamics that aren't healthy either. so I had this epiphany and I'm like, holy shit. So he did a bunch of his own work. I started doing my own work and we came back together and I actually texted him yesterday. I'm like, holy shit, you're so grounded. Like I can lose it. And he just is this rock, this rock. It's 20 times better than it even was the first two years because he is really started to work on his own development and, and he healing and all of that and.
He's just such a steady force in my life and I just feel so safe and it makes it easier for me to shift into my more feminine energy when we're together. But also I mindfully make sure that I'm not bulldozing and I'm not mothering and I'm not coaching and Right. We love to [00:13:00] coach our husband.
You.
Jenna Brown: To coach our husbands.
Andrea Clark: him to be man, like a man. Hello. So, so that's my story. That's my story. And I realized, I'm like, when I was searching for resources, I was like, shit, there's really none out there. you either got the really, really like flowery very, and there's nothing wrong with that. But for me, I don't resonate with that.
I don't wanna flitter around in a. Meadow of flowers wearing a linen dress and being barefoot and 1000% submissive, whatever, right? Like that stereotype. And then there's like the other where it's I don't need a man. And, and it's like, where's the middle ground where a lot of us wanna live, but we don't know how to do that.
And I knew if I went to a marriage therapist that she was gonna peg him as like a narcissist or all these things, right? Based on what I'm saying. And. Encouraged me to probably [00:14:00] leave, which I, I don't want that. That's not what I want. I want a mirror. That's what I needed was a mirror. So I developed my own shit because that's what we do as high achievers is we, and innovators is.
We're like, fine, if it doesn't exist, we'll solve the problem. So that's what I did and I'm obsessed because, women are seeing insane transformations, like women who have struggled, women who have been married for 20, 30 years
Jenna Brown: Hmm.
Andrea Clark: and they're like softening with their husbands for the first time and having the most insane luscious experience.
And it just, it makes me feel so, grateful and so happy and excited that I can use my history to support women like we are.
Jenna Brown: I am obsessed. I'm obsessed with you, I think, but also I just,
Andrea Clark: I'm pretty obsessed with you too, girl.
Jenna Brown: I love that for us I feel like a hundred percent yes to everything you're saying because I. [00:15:00] That's actually why I bought your thing was because I feel the same way. I'm like, no one is having this conversation, or at least maybe I'm not seeing it. Maybe it's being
Andrea Clark: no. I really don't feel like anybody is.
Jenna Brown: Yeah.
And so I love that we're having this conversation right now, but also I remember following people that, they're making seven, eight figures and. They're telling us the story about oh, and then my husband left his job. And I'm like, how is that? Because I did that and blah.
It was such a, a shit show for me energetically. And so during that time, I'm looking everywhere, who's talking about this? Who's talking about like when the dynamic shifts to all of a sudden, like for me personally, and anybody can go back and listen to this whole story. Like a couple episodes ago, but I'm like, dude, I'm making all this money.
It doesn't make sense for my husband to quote unquote work. We have little kids, he's homeschooling them. I like that. But I'm also feeling like this energetic has shifted and then I'm looking for [00:16:00] people, well, where's the conversation? I mean, for the first time, I feel like our generation of women can be so crazy successful.
And then we also have all this time 'cause we're doing it on our own terms, and then our partners have all this, and then it's but who's having this conversation about what now? What do we do? And we can just like poop money basically at this point. And then we're like, and how does this shift the dynamic?
And you know, who's talking about this? Then people started to say, oh, we almost got divorced. Oh, we almost got divorced. And I'm like, of course he did, because no one's having this conversation. And then for me, I was in the middle of it and I was looking and I'm like, I think there's a lot of fear for successful women.
I'm sure you would agree that it's we don't wanna lose what we've created, like we understand on some level. The hyper-masculinity comes from drama to some extent, but like one of the biggest fears is I'm not trying to not have choices. I'm not trying to be like, you know what? You're right. I just wanna make no money.
Or I just wanna [00:17:00] be like super, like you're saying in a flour field and baking sourdough bread every day. No, I love what I do, but then there's this other extreme of we don't need a man, but we love our men. And like you're saying, I think so many of us. Are married to the same man, like this, like a kindhearted good man who is like, they're not a dick, so they're not gonna be like, I'm gonna overpower you.
And yeah. So I love that you're having this conversation because it's so pertinent and it's so needed. And the other thing, like you were saying is the therapist conversation, which obviously you come from the therapist background where then I'm like, cool, but if I go talk to a therapist, what's a therapist gonna do?
They're going to just be like, leave him. Or you know, like they'll just be like, oh, I don't even know what they'll do. But they're not gonna gimme the advice because they don't have the same worldview I do. Which is my view is I'm creating my reality. And so for some reason I am saying like, yes, this is like how I want the relationship to be.
'cause I'm getting [00:18:00] off on this. I'm getting off on being the victim. That's why I did this podcast about, I'm getting off on being the victim of my relationship.
Andrea Clark: reinforces some sort of identity in us that we have not shifted. Yes.
Jenna Brown: And I'm like, but if I already know that and the therapist doesn't know that, this is just gonna be really annoying. 'cause I'm gonna be like, what am I doing to create this?
Can you help me just get out of my own way? And they're not gonna see it that way. Like the other person's the problem, you know? So I love what you do and maybe we can go into that a little bit of just anything I said that you're like, I got a riff on this part of it. Because there are so many women that are listening right now that are exactly like us. They're like, I'm successful. I love what I do. I'm passionate about my work. I'm not trying to give that up.
I also am not like anti-men. I love men. But also there is a real dynamic of I might be leading literally everything in my life and how do I get this person to come back online without losing [00:19:00] myself in the process?
Andrea Clark: Yes.
Jenna Brown: Yeah.
Andrea Clark: that's the first thing for some reason, there's this belief that we think we have to give up that part of ourselves, our ambition, our edge. Our, you know, leader energy, that's not true. That's not true at all.
It's understanding what type of leadership to utilize when, and that's something that once I got that I was like, holy fuck. Because I am so much more effective and influential with my husband. with a different type of energy, more, with my feminine energy. And that's still leadership.
And the other thing is, is it's innate in us. That's like our design, right? And so. Yes, we have both masculine and feminine energy, and we should use both. But we're designed to live in our feminine When we're in a romantic dynamic with a masculine presence, that's what we're designed [00:20:00] for. So I love my masculine energy.
I tap into that shit every fucking day. It's delicious. Like I get so much done. I have systems and structure in my business. That's all masculine structure systems, all those things. Are masculine things. But when I come into my romantic relationship, I kind of mentally check that at the hypothetical front door.
Right, because I don't need to be that in my relationship. And if I leave him space, he'll actually be all of that. He'll do all of that. And so It's just a part of you, or it's like a situational shift that you, you wanna make. Right? It's not about the other stuff.
Like you can continue to do those things. And what I also find is that when you start to actually live into that more in your romantic relationship, you see places in your business, let's say you're an entrepreneur, where [00:21:00] you can implement, masculine structure to actually be in your feminine, more in your business where it will serve you because it does serve you
it is a powerful thing to be a woman, and so when you're always trying to do everything the way that the world is designed like a man, like a man's world. You're doing yourself a disservice. You'll scale more, you'll make more money, you'll do it less tired. You'll do it with less effort. When I say effort, I don't mean you're not working, but like you won't be like pushing a rock up a hill when you have the right balance of the masculine structure systems, all those things.
And like your feminine essence kind of filling in the gaps in your business. Right? So that was like a really cool, a side benefit that I didn't even know was gonna happen, and that I am seeing more and more with my clients, because I work with a lot of entrepreneurs. And they're starting to see the benefits of that as well as they're stepping more into their [00:22:00] feminine.
But if you look at it from just like a neuroscience perspective, right? Not even a woo, like a woo perspective, which woo is real, but let's look at neuroscience for a second. We mirror each other. Literally, you walk into a room. And you can tell whose energy you're attracted to or not attracted to, who you wanna stay away from, who seems off, who seems tense, who isn't safe, who's warm, who's inviting, who you're like, damn, I like their energy.
Right? That's neuroscience. That is our neurons mirroring each other and our bodies do 93% of our talking. And so if you think about your relationship. If you are constantly pushing, correcting, criticizing, refining, managing, mothering. He's gonna slowly but surely just kind of like pull back. And obviously there's his own programming, [00:23:00] right?
His own wounds, his own crap. So how he pulls back is obviously different per person, right? Some men are very avoidant, some men are passive. Some men try to be confrontational until it doesn't work. Some men don't talk about it at all. my husband, he can be passive, but it's not like he just would let me walk all over him.
But the way that he kind of pulled back was more under functioning than anything else. Just kind of like, okay, I'm not even gonna deal with I'm just gonna. Wipe my hands with it, which makes sense because I wanted to control it, and I didn't even realize that that's what I was doing, because I kept telling myself like, well, it's because he doesn't do it right, or it's because he doesn't do it as fast as I want him to, or it's because this or that.
You know, like he didn't handle it the way that it should be handled. we use our, actually did a post about that. We use our standards as like a, as armor, and we don't only do it in our marriages, This is how we like, measure people up to our standards
Jenna Brown: [00:24:00] Yep.
Andrea Clark: the time.
and so what that does is it keeps us in this like state of a little bit of superiority.
Jenna Brown: Yep.
Andrea Clark: Because that fulfills our identity of I'm the eldest daughter. I know best. Or I'm a female founder. I'm a high achiever. I'm this, or I'm, I'm self-made. Right? So when we, when we judge people against our standards constantly, that helps fulfill that belief about ourselves.
Think about your, when you're doing that to your fucking husband, at some point, his body's gonna be like, you can't catch a break, dude. Just stop trying. Let her be in control. And then you wake up one day and you're like, dude, my husband's like a fucking pussy.
Like what is going on? Right.
Jenna Brown: yeah, yeah, a hundred percent. I've literally talked about that on this podcast. I was like, I had that realization where I was like, oh my God, I'm creating this because I get to be better than you. I'm like, this is disgusting I was literally like, I can't believe I'm doing this.
But I saw it so clear as day that I was like, oh, I like genuinely believe I'm better [00:25:00] than you 'cause I figured this out And you didn't figure it out. Like specifically talking in terms of like career and. It was just wild to see that in myself. And then of course, like if I think about that though, as the oldest daughter, that's how I survived.
Like I had two brothers, so it was very much like you just have to be the best and you know, and I feel like literally probably everyone listening to this, we're all maybe the same human and we're all just oh my God, are you reading my mind? But it's why you're going through it because you don't know, this is actually like an energetic that's happening and you just think it's the person, it's the marriage, it's me, it's whatever. But it's like it really is this like energetic shift that over time you like get so ingrained in those neural pathways of this is how we operate. So now that like people are realizing that obviously they can work with you and, and hire you, but also I feel like maybe we can shed light on [00:26:00] what's possible. Like how did this shift for you? Because you started to look inward instead of being like, he's the problem, blah, blah, blah. Get it together and nagging, which I feel like I did that for two years where I'm like, let me coach you, please stop coaching your husbands like, let me net you.
That doesn't work. So yeah. What did you do that worked for you obviously you shared that, but like then did you just start acting differently and then you created that space and he starts responding differently.
Andrea Clark: Yeah. So, I started shifting how I engaged with him. so there were a couple of things that I did. I started to leave space for him to decide
Jenna Brown: Mm-hmm.
Andrea Clark: and do things. And it was really interesting, so he moved back in. And you don't have to get separated for this to work.
Like honestly, you, you really don't. Most of the women that I work with, they're not, they're not separated. They literally make a shift and within a week or less they're like, holy shit. [00:27:00] Like he did X, Y, and z, or he, you know, and I'm like, yes, like this shit works pretty quickly, right? I mean, there's some deeper stuff you have to continuously work on, but you'll see shifts pretty quickly.
So, he. Planned a date for us. And it was really interesting. I realized how much influence and how much he wants to please me, which our husbands do wanna please us. Like they want to make us happy. And he's oh, well I was thinking, uh, we're gonna do this and this. And then he looked at me, this was the first date after, you know, our separation.
And he's like, is that okay? I could have refined it. I could have been like, well, the movie's a little late and you know, I like to go to bed, blah, blah, blah, whatever. Right? I could have found something to tweak, which we're really great at, but I just was like, yeah, that's, I'm excited.
And you should have seen like his body length. He like, his shoulders rolled back [00:28:00] and he like stood up a little sh like, it was like cool. Like she's excited, she's happy, I just did something good for her and that was so powerful for me to see that because I'm like, it's that simple. It's that simple.
I don't have to correct everything. Like, I need to hold those things for when it's really pertinent. We treat everything like it's high stakes for whatever reason, we, everything is like high stakes. We need to perfect everything. And it's like your husband is not a project for you to perfect.
It's his job to grow and evolve, and it's your job to be his muse and just inspire that by giving him the space And sharing with him what pleases you. So that was one of the things that I started doing, is I started pulling back and really being cognizant of like trying to jump in and refine and correct and where it was not necessary.
Right. So I had to shift my definition of when that's necessary. Okay. [00:29:00] And so for me now, at this point, it's necessary only when we're having like, you know, our meetings around money and finances. you know, be like, well, have you thought of this, da, da, da, whatever. Right? And sometimes parenting stuff like higher stakes things, right?
Other stuff, I'm just like, what does it matter how he does that? What does it actually matter? Is it actually affecting me? No. it took him 10 minutes longer than it would take me? Does it really matter? No, like him choosing to get this brand at the store like this sounds nitpicky, but I'm, I'm being like facetious on per piss because it's like we all have our stuff and it's does that really matter?
It's organic. Who cares? Just that's what you wanted organic. Who cares if it's this brand versus this brand? Like whatever. Right. And so I just started like letting go of it needing to be certain way all the time. And that just gave him so much breathing room to actually make decisions and plan things and do things and [00:30:00] all of that.
And then the other thing that I started doing, and this is really hard for a lot of like powerful. high achieving women is I started to inform him with my feelings versus my logic.
Jenna Brown: I was gonna bring this up and then I was like, I hope she doesn't care. 'cause you talked about it in the thing,
Andrea Clark: Oh, no,
Jenna Brown: Yeah, because I was like, duh, this is such a great reminder. Anyways, share about it. And then
Andrea Clark: Was that something that really resonated for you in the program? It was a very hard one.
Jenna Brown: yeah, it, well, I like feel like I knew it, but I was just like, oh, duh.
Like what? Why am I trying to speak like logic? Because he's masculine and is it's almost like. Two penises trying to talk to each other. And I'm like, literally, that's what I get. Like this energy's well, you understand logic, so let me speak your language. But then it's just like two penises talking and it's well, no wonder there's no polarity there.
Anyways, go to your thing. [00:31:00] I like that. My description is two penises talking to each other. Anyways, carry on.
Andrea Clark: So, so this was probably one of the most challenging things for me because it feels really vulnerable, right? It's very vulnerable because if you've grown up in a home where your feelings were dismissed, if you are been in careers, in a lot of rooms with men where you have to check your emotion or you can't speak from feelings, it's all data, it's all this, it's all whatever, all the shit, Whatever your background is. We've been conditioned and we've allowed ourselves to continue in the conditioning of logic, logic, logic. And there's a lot of women who like pride themselves. I'm highly logical and it's no, you're fucking not.
You just have denied your fear. Trust me. Like I know, right? I've suppressed my feelings. That's why I'm all angry and angsty because all my feelings are like bubbling up on her hair. So, the reason why it's more beneficial to inform your husband with your feelings is because He's logical. He also is emotional, [00:32:00] but he's logical and his job is he wants to serve you, protect you, provide for you, take care of you, make you feel safe if you're trying to appeal to his logic. You're not appealing to his mechanism that wants to take care of you. You're essentially trying to debate him or prove something to him or prove how smart you are or prove why your plan's so good.
It switches off his instinct to nurture and provide for you and protect you. And it's almost kind of like you're at work together or something. You're like coworkers, right? So it turns into a business meeting versus you're my wife and I want to do what's best for you. So, and that's like a masculine feminine energetics thing, okay?
Because the masculine is the structure. Right. He's, he's the one who like builds the home of the relationship, like the walls and the, and the roof. And your job is to fill it with your energy and your [00:33:00] creativity and your feelings and all of that. That's why like when a man is really steady and you're just like toing around him and you're, oh, whatever, right?
If he can be that, that shows you like he can handle your feelings. Like he wants your feelings, right? and also men don't wanna be told what to do. They want to make their own decision. Now you can be highly influential over their decisions, but not by debating with them and speaking from a more masculine, logical place.
So I started to tell him how things made me feel instead of well, when you do this, it creates these five problems and then I have to handle these problems and blah, blah, blah. And then it wasted this much money and it did this and my time, and I wasted an hour from my workday to take care of this problem.
it's emotionally charged, but I'm not actually expressing how it affected me as a human being. Do you see what I'm saying? So if I say something like, well, you know, baby, I, I wanna talk to you about this. When you forgot to do X, Y, and [00:34:00] Z, it really hurt my feelings. I got a lot of anxiety and I got really overwhelmed because of how it affected my day and because of how it affected my day.
It made me feel really frantic because I just didn't know how I was gonna fit it all in. And then when I picked up our daughter, I, I was like, snappy with her, which is on me, but I was just so overwhelmed. And it really hurt my feelings because I just felt like you just didn't even realize.
And I felt a little bit like an abandoned,
Jenna Brown: Hmm.
Andrea Clark: which one felt like, Ooh,
Jenna Brown: Yeah.
Andrea Clark: you.
Jenna Brown: Obviously
Andrea Clark: So, of course it's oh my gosh, I don't, I don't wanna hurt your feelings. I don't want you to feel abandoned. I don't want you to feel anxious and overwhelmed let me fix this for you. Because they wanna fix problems, but they don't fix from
Your logic, they fix from your feelings. And it can feel, it can feel [00:35:00] really, really vulnerable to go. That hurt my feeling like at first when I learned that, I'm like, that is fucking whack. I am not gonna,
Jenna Brown: It works.
Andrea Clark: I'm not say he hurt my feelings like, Ugh,
Jenna Brown: Yeah.
Andrea Clark: I don't want him to know. He hurt my feelings.
Jenna Brown: Mm-hmm.
Andrea Clark: It's this guarded, because growing up I wasn't allowed to have hurt feelings. If I got hurt. If I had hurt feelings, I was made fun of, or I was a target, or whatever it was. Right? And so it takes some guts and courage. And what I teach in my programs, I teach the micro shift method, like that's my signature method.
Okay? Because we try to do things in really big leaps and. That might work in business, but it doesn't work in a relationship and doesn't even always work in business. Think about the slight edge if you've ever read the Slight Edge, right? It's like making those tiny little incremental shifts and then you see like a tsunami wave of result.
Right. [00:36:00] So when you think about any kind of relationship dynamic, you've got two nervous systems involved. You've got two people with long histories and a lot of programming. And so the way that I make this achievable for, for you is I teach you how to do it in really small bite-sized chunks.
Jenna Brown: Love it.
Andrea Clark: And the way that I said all that stuff.
You're not going to do that the first time, right? That's way too vulnerable for you. You're gonna just start by saying, maybe that hurt my feelings, or I was so overwhelmed and stressed out you're gonna pick. One thing, and you're gonna just say the one thing. And what's gonna happen is you're gonna see that nothing catastrophic happened.
He didn't make fun of you, or he didn't dismiss you or whatever, right? And so that gives your nervous system and your subconscious, it's like, okay, you can do that again. And it expands your capacity just by a little bit. And it also expands his, because if [00:37:00] you all of a sudden just do like a 180. He is gonna also go into shock and be like, what the fuck is going?
Who are you? Right? He's not gonna know how to respond and he's gonna disappoint you because he's gonna be all outta sorts too and not know what to do. So when you make the tiny little shifts, then he shifts with you without even knowing it. Right? So like that example with the date, that was a small shift I made.
I didn't refine it, I didn't correct. I didn't say well, I prefer this. I just was like, that sounds great. I'm excited. And then the next time he had even more confidence planning the date, right? Like he just planned it and he planned something I liked and he, you see what I'm saying?
So it's it's data for him. And it's data for you. It's data for your body to continue to expand your capacity to do these things differently, right? So then next time you might be a little more vulnerable about your feelings and how something happened or whatever it is, those are a couple examples of some [00:38:00] things that I did.
And then other things I did that were bigger was I handed over the finances to him and that was huge. Because I have never, ever, in my whole, my mom taught me, do not rely on a man. You don't trust a man for finite like nothing. And I grew up in a home where my dad gambled away our rent money.
Jenna Brown: wow. Yeah.
Andrea Clark: yeah.
So, I told him, I'm like, I want you to shoulder this with me. we started incrementally though, so that again, we could make shifts. But the goal is eventually that he'll handle not that I won't be in it at all, but he'll handle our finances. And part of why I also did that is 'cause I do make more money and I will always make more money like I'm an entrepreneur.
he has a job, he has a cash income. And, you know, he does well having a job and he likes his job and he has a very fulfilling job. And we've tried it where he came home and that didn't work very well for our dynamic. And he has put his foot down how I like having a [00:39:00] job and I'm like, okay, I respect that.
And so, I will always be more of a channel for more money. And part of why I've chosen to hand him over the finances is so that he knows that it's our money. It's not my money. that's something when you were talking about the money thing and figuring it out, that's something that I think can be a source of, contention even if it's unsaid and a lot of times, 'cause we're not talking about assholes, okay? We're talking about good men.
Jenna Brown: Good men, good hearts.
Andrea Clark: give a shit that we make more money. They think it's great, they don't fucking care, but somehow we make it a big deal.
Jenna Brown: Yeah.
Andrea Clark: Like what you were saying about I figured out this business thing and this money thing, so then it put, you put him in a one down position.
He didn't put himself in a one down position.
Jenna Brown: Hundred percent.
Andrea Clark: You did and you didn't realize it, and there's no shame in that. Right. But it's that's something else that I really realized. I'm like, [00:40:00] holy shit. Like I've been energetically hanging this over his head that I make more money without directly doing it.
But, and he was on, we actually recorded. A module for my, my program, the fund invitation where he's very honest and, and he talks about that, where he felt like I didn't feel like it was my money, so I didn't feel like I could say to you. I don't think that that's a, like a really good decision for us to spend money on that right now or whatever.
Right. Which was one of my biggest complaints is like, you never, you never helped me make financial decisions, right? Ugh, and I have to shoulder it all myself. But it's like, well, yeah. Part of that was because when it came to the money coming in, I made it very clear yeah, I make the money and I this, so then he felt,
emasculated, not by the fact that I made more money by how I behaved about making more money.
Jenna Brown: Yeah, a hundred percent. A hundred
Andrea Clark: And I think that's something we, you have to look at. And I don't think that every woman does that, but I [00:41:00] think a lot of us do because of our relationship with money. What does that mean? Money is power.
Like I used to see money as power. Money made me powerful. Money made me safe because of how I grew up, So I had to work on my relationship with money. in order to share that load with my husband. So it wasn't just about me and my husband, it was about my relationship with money. And he's also working on his relationship with money.
So it's happening incrementally and more and more he's taking over you know, paying the bills and looking at our different accounts and handling X, Y, and Z and we have money meetings together and all these things. Whereas before it was like I was doing most of that and just updating him, you know what I mean?
Jenna Brown: Mm-hmm. A hundred percent. I feel like. I can relate to that. I feel like everyone listening probably can relate to that. It's all kind of the same. It's all like the control piece and power. It's like how are we relating to power? How are we relating to control? I know that when I did [00:42:00] the reset or whatever that it was called with you, that was the piece that stuck out to me.
speaking with the emotion. And like I was saying, I knew that. But then like when you just made it so simple, I was like, oh, duh. Like I'm literally speaking logic to logic because I'm trying to be on his level or something, but actually this is making it so much harder. So I actually used that advice when we were going to hire our house manager and I just came to him being like, I wanna hire a house manager.
But I like appealed through the emotionality of it. Because he's starting a business and I was just like, I can't take this stuff back on. Like it makes me overwhelmed to think about dah, dah, dah, dah, dah. Like it would feel so nourishing and supportive if this was done. And like he just immediately was like, yeah, for sure.
Let's hire it. And I had I asked before?
Andrea Clark: to solve your problem. He wanted you to be taken care of and happy. It's, and this is interesting. It's like we think that emotion is lesser than logic. That's us prescribing and subscribing [00:43:00] to
Jenna Brown: It's a higher dimension actually, as
Andrea Clark: Yeah, like the thing is, is that's our strength. Our emotions are our strength as as a feminine being, and that's where polarity collapses a lot, is that we're trying.
To just be, it's not even levels, but it's like we're trying to play in the same field and it's like there's two different fields and our field is actually really powerful. It's crazy now because, you know, he and I have been doing this work for a long time and I've been doing this work for a long time in our marriage and it's insane.
I'm like, holy shit. The influence I have on him by just being feminine. I'm like, this is fucking crazy. Like it's so much more effective than when I was trying to like manhandle the situation all the time and force things. I'm just like, he's so much more responsive and in such a like, delicious way and like it's just, I can't even [00:44:00] explain to you ladies, I promise you, if you tap into this side in your romantic relationship more.
You will be blown away. and this is something I talk about in my programs too, is just know that the first time you're not gonna get it right and he may not get it right. So you have to make space for mistakes. I mean, we're, he and I are still making mistakes. There's times where he will tell me, Hey baby.
Like you're, you're doing that thing right?
Jenna Brown: you're doing it again.
Andrea Clark: And it's because like I come right off of something stressful. Or sometimes I'll tell 'em, I'm like, Hey, I really feel let down by this and it hurt my feelings and I felt like I wasn't chosen in this situation.
And so, but it's because we've built this trust and this rapport, we both can bounce back really quickly, so it's not like it's perfect, but , it's like we've, really learned how to tap into those sides of ourselves, and it just keeps getting better and better. And I know it's possible for anybody.
Jenna Brown: I love it. Will you share with [00:45:00] us about your program and then we're gonna drop it in the show notes for everyone to get the details to get in, because this has been amazing. You've already given us so much, I think, to chew on and run and play with, but I really think that the, you're such a powerful.
Person in this conversation. And like I said in the beginning, I'm grateful for your work in the world. 'cause like you, I was literally looking around being like, who's even freaking talking about this? Like this nuance of this relationship that we are now in
Andrea Clark: Mm.
Jenna Brown: that women don't want to leave, but there's just so many things.
So share with us about your program. We'll drop it in the show notes, everyone.
Andrea Clark: Yeah, so I'm really excited because this happens to be airing when I'm doing some upgrades to my program, the Feminine Invitation, and in celebration of that, I'm also giving away four live coaching calls as you're going through the program. So you get my. Eyes on your dynamic in real time, giving you very personally tailored feedback to what you could [00:46:00] be doing immediately to see shifts which is always really exciting.
And you can get access to that until April 28th the four live calls.
Jenna Brown: Cool. Incredible. So everyone, make sure you get in there, check it out. It's all in the show notes. And then is there anything you wanna leave our girls with our
Andrea Clark: Yeah, I just wanna say that you really can be both. You can have both. You don't have to sacrifice your power in the world, your ambition. You can make. Gajillions of dollars and you can still be very deeply, uh, cared for and met and have your partner's devotion and leadership at home. And one does not exclude the other.
In fact, it makes the most beautiful life when you can actually experience both. 'cause then you get to be fully expressed. And so, I just wanna encourage you if, if you feel really. This is tugging on you, [00:47:00] do the work because you can have both. You can definitely have both.
Jenna Brown: Incredible. And can they reach out to you in your dms and just
Andrea Clark: hell yeah. Come find me over at Andrea Clark MFT on Instagram.
Jenna Brown: Amazing. Thank you for being here with us today. Thank you for sharing your wisdom and your story and your incredible work in the world.
Andrea Clark: Thank you for having me. I'm so excited.
Outro: Remember, overflow isn't something that you chase. It's something that you become available for, and you all know that I love When you pop into my dms, post an episode, come and share with me what you loved about it. Leave a review for me. That helps so much on the podcast side. Share this to your profiles.
Thank you ultimately for being here, being a part of this community, being a part of this transmission and reality shift for us, for my children, for your children, and for generations to come. I love you all.
